Curmudgeon in Training

More than a facial workout –

I have loved this word nearly all my life. The first time I heard it was in high school and it must have been in something I was reading for English literature- Dickens, I suspect; maybe David Copperfield. I loved the sound of it, the way your lips move forward, almost in a pucker, and then back into a grin which stretches the corners of your mouth when you say it. It is a facial workout.

It’s a way of life

But more than the sound and the facial movements, I flat out loved the word’s meaning or at least what it represented to me. It amazes me that after all these years, I still remember how much I liked the word even though I can’t remember the book or character that introduced it to me. The dictionary says that it means: a bad tempered, difficult, cantankerous person. At the time, it made no sense to me that I, a bland, go-along, hope that somebody (anybody, everybody) will like me 15 year old would be attracted to the qualities of a curmudgeon. But I was.

Nice is so—nice.

Looking back, I think that it was the open and honest disdain for what everybody else was thinking that grabbed me. I was so constrained by my own concern about what other people might think that it was exhilarating to fantasize about saying what you really think – or even having your own thoughts.   I didn’t understand much about people at that age but somehow down deep I knew that I was being manipulated. My nice parents who told me what to do raised me to experience incredible remorse at any thought of going off the reservation. I was always hopeful about life and thoughtful about being considerate to others (in my heart at least) but when I worried about hurting other peoples feeling it was more about not doing anything that would make them dislike me. So as I look back at my younger self I think that the word appealed to me because of the freedom and honesty it represented..

Honesty is so….honest

Curmudgeons call a spade a spade. They say what they think. They don’t agonize over the imagined feelings of others. They fully reveal what they feel at any moment and have no hesitation about sharing, The definition emphasis the bad-tempered aspect of curmudgeons but I think that this is because more controlled people are sensitive to to the negative aspects of saying what you think but they are happily accepting when the same openness reflects the positive. Curmudgeons are consistent and honest in their expressions of feelings both positive and negative but they are more noticed when they are pointing at the silliness and pretensions of our actions than when they are praising them.

Sharing a life goal – curmudgeonhood

So my youthful attraction to curmudgeonhood continues even today. Looking back I understand why I was attracted to the honest expression of feelings represented by the word. My journey through life has allowed me through mistakes, misadventures and some good luck to free myself from some constraints and self-doubt so that I can now sometime speak without first considering all the ways people might be offended or hurt. If I keep at it, maybe someday before I die, I can actually be a curmudgeon.

What’s your secret goal?

So that is my outrageous confession for today. I have been a namby-pamby, no personality, nice guy for too long. One of my life goals is to earn the name, curmudgeon. How about you. Any not so nice life goals you want to share?