Excusing an action you took is excusitis
There is more than one form of excusitis. The more commonly discussed form makes excuses for not taking action. You use the excuse as the reason for not acting. Examples are that you are too old, too young, etc to do some thing. The other form of excusitis is just as insidious. This form of escusitis uses an excuse to justify an action that you should not have done. An example is the ‘so called’ constructive criticism. We let go and tell someone what we believe is the unvarnished truth about themselves because it is good for them. Another variation of this excusitis is when we say “I meant well” or “It is for their own good.” after destroying somebody’s dream or confidence. It is OK to say bad things to someone so long as it is for their own good.
When you grow up with excusitis, it seems normal
I grew up with that kind of home environment and I bought the story. I accepted that it was OK for my family to make fun of and belittle me and others because they were just kidding. It was right for them to tell me that my dreams were foolish because it saved me from failure. The consequences of this behavior is bad enough when it affects the lives and accomplishments of others but there is an even worse effect when you grow up in that environment – you build it into your life.
You think you are normal
I didn’t recognize how I excused my behaviors growing up or wonder why I never formed lasting relationships. It was only when I married that I began to learn that I was a nasty critical person who was either ‘just kidding’ or telling people what they needed to know for their ‘own good.’ My wife wouldn’t accept that behavior and ultimately I was forced to choose between my wife and excusitis. Happily, I had enough sense to know what was important. It hasn’t been easy and criticism is still my first response. I just have to recognize and control those instinctive and defensive responses and bite my tongue.
Learning the truth
I consider myself lucky that my wife was willing to straighten me out. She would not tolerate my behavior directed towards her and she patiently showed me when I was doing it to others. All this was necessary because it was so ingrained in my behavior that I never recognized it for what it was. I had all my excuses ready to prove that I was a good guy.
I am a recovering excusitis sufferer
It is a continuing struggle. Now I am better able to recognize excusitis as it continues to happen. When I recognize it in myself, even after the fact, it gives me a little better sense of the situations where it is my natural response. I can then better manage those responses. How do I recognize my escusitis? It isn’t hard if I ask myself ‘Why?’ when anything critical comes out of my mouth. If the answer is any kind of justification of myself then I know that I should never have said it. A greater truth that I gradually recognized is that criticism is terrible for everybody. What I am really discovering is that criticism benefits nobody so it is better just not to criticize at all.
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