Can a Control Freak Learn to Let Go?

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Control is important for me.

It is hard for me to let go and relax. I am uncomfortable whenever I feel that somebody else might set the course. I struggle with this but often just isolate myself so that I don’t lose control.  This is a big barrier to close relationships.

I try to change.

I keep trying to get outside my box and escape my comfort zone but those habits you form over a lifetime are hard to break. Early on I decided to control my life and the easiest way to do that was to keep others out of the decision process. Insecurity and doubt that I could defend my decisions kept me from asking advice or sharing the process with even my wife. Naturally this didn’t contribute to close relations. My wife would always tell me that I never shared with her and that she didn’t know what I was thinking.

On my part, I just wanted to do what I wanted to do without having to explain the decision.

As with most behaviors, it is hard to change because you don’t really have a model for different behavior. I knew I had to be different to be more relatable but I was afraid to lose control and I didn’t have a positive experience to encourage me into the unknown.

Last Week Provided a New Opportunity to Change

Last week provided an opportunity to test my resolve and see if I was able to face my anxiety and change my behavior. I needed to replace my old car.

I did my research, got pre-approved for a loan, checked out cars and prices and was prepared for a slow and targeted search for the right car when my wife said she wanted to search with me.

At First I panicked

Nothing scares a control freak more that a team project. I was panicking every time I thought about taking my wife along to look at cars. I could just feel myself pressured into buying something just because she liked it even though it was supposed to be my car. She even wanted to drive cars that weren’t on my list. I was panicking- and losing control. At this point, my normal behavior is to ignore anything but myself and do what I wanted to do.

But this time I stopped.

I reviewed my lifestyle goals. I did want to get a car that would give me pleasure to drive but I also wanted a closer relationship with my wife. I realized that these two goals were not mutually exclusive. There might well be a large number of cars which my wife would like that would satisfy me as well. I might not end up with my preferred vehicle but a second best car and a happy wife beats my way or the highway. So we went car shopping together

After all that anguish, actually relinquishing control and sharing the decision worked out so much better that my head is still reeling. We visited one dealer to drive the cars my wife thought she liked, found a completely different car which both of us loved and brought it home the same day. It was a far from the controlled process I had planned as you could get. And the result was beyond my wildest hopes. I have a great new car and a happy wife.

Maybe life isn’t always going to surprise you when you do the right thing but that was the lesson I learned. Chance can be a wonderful thing. Following somebody else’s wishes doesn’t have to restrict your own. Making decisions as a team can mean not only a better relationship but a better outcome as well.

I don’t know how much this experience can change my behavior. It certainly gives me a different model to use going forward. I hope that it will make it easier fr me to let go and feel more confident that I can lead without being a dictator.