Photo by Koburn
In an earlier post I talked about John Eldredge and his book Wild at Heart and how it helped me improve my marriage. That was just part of it. John talks about masculinity, which is almost a dirty work these days and in describing the difficulties faced by men, he describes the wound which he says all men carry. I recognized that I carry the wound as soon as I read it. It was something I had carried for so long that I just accepted it as normal. But what is it and where does it come from? One way to describe it is not receiving a blessing from your father. But what is that blessing?
John says it like this, “No one has ever allowed them to be dangerous.”
As he sees it, part of a man’s role is to be dangerous. He doesn’t mean evil. He doesn’t mean causing harm to others for no reason. He means doing risky things because that is what men are wired to do. Today the focus of our society is to eliminate all risks- not just serious risks but all risks and we have a government that will spend any amount of our money to do it. It is not a good time to be a man – and as a result we don’t have very many of them.
How does a boy become a man? It has to be the man – the father- who gives a boy this permission and then bestows the approval that he measures up. Women can’t do it even if they want to and most don’t. A boy needs a man to lead him into manhood. And if you have the wound, can you still raise your sons to be men and is it possible to not wound them?
I hope so.
And we wonder why society has become the way it is… with such high rates of divorce and father absenteeism, children are growing up in families that are, (many times, but not always), headed by a matriarch instead of a patriarch.
I agree with Eldridge that, while mother’s are a vital part of the growing process in boys, the ultimate example of how boy’s are to act as godly men comes directly from the primary male example in their lives, and with this presence being absent, the boy grows to be a man unsure of himself or his position in society.
The horrible fact is, these men then go on to have their own children, and because of their own lack, their boys become wounded as well, starting the whole vicious cycle over again.
The wonderful thing is, this wound can be healed and this vicious cycle ended! Of course it is God’s love and the support of godly men that brings to closure this lack in a child’s development, allowing them to be the man that God intended!
Again, great post! Thanks for the write-up and sharing 😉 Also, wanted to thank you for adding me to your blogroll, will return the link-favor immediately… keep up the good work!
You say the would can be healed. I need to know more because that is not my experience. It’s grown over and calloused maybe but not healed.
Ralph,
This is my personal experience that I like to share with you. I had an absentee father myself (not that’s his fault: the country was at war, he was an army officer, never at home long enough to see his children growing up, so no wise words, no permission/approval of any sorts …). I still carry that “wound” today but has grown to appreciate it as part of my life and have no urge to heal it. I have found substitute sources (of the fatherly figure and his masculinity as described by Eldredge) though the books and I may say with all humility that I have somewhat succeeded in bestowing certain values to my sons, one of which is Audacity. Imagine my joy – my reward – when I received a Father’s Day card a few years back from my younger son, thanking me for giving him the permission to be audacious – to take risks – knowing that I will be there for him whenever needed.
I don’t want to come across as bragging – I don’t have the need to do so – but by sharing my experience with you, I hope that you will find peace with your father (and the wound he left on you) and be the true father to your sons. Yes, you can still raise your sons to be men and it’s possible not to let your wound affecting them.
Long,
Thank you so much. It does help. I don’t blame my father. He was doing his best. Good intentions are not enough and so I worry that my good intentions carry the ability to wound my sons unknowingly.