How I learned to be a man in my marriage.

Photo by Housden Photos

Marriage: Sometimes you know more than you think you know.

Recently I created a list of 13 ways to improve your marriage.  The exercise was originally just to build a list post and when I selected the topic I was not thinking very seriously.  When I finished, I was amazed at what I knew and felt confident about.  This was a far cry from the early days of our marriage when I was clueless.  I had to stop and think about how I have grown since then and how I learned to be a better husband.  Our marriage has had it’s rocky moments.  There were times when I wanted to give up and I know that my wife did too. At several times during our 37 years as man and wife, I was on the verge of a major train wreck which threatened to destroy our marriage. Somehow, we pulled together and over time I became a better husband. How did that happen?

A Book opened my eyes.

There are many things that helped me grow but I received a major boost in insight when about 10 years ago someone suggested that I read Wild at Heart , a book which really opened my eyes about my role as a man in life and in making a good marriage. I came of age in the 60’s and was suckered into the feminist mindset about women and men. I thought that a man should not lead but work together with a woman and let them do their own thing while I did mine.   I think it was particularly appealing to me because it was so easy. Or at least is seemed easy to the chicken-hearted young man I was then.  The wisdom at the time was that women wanted to lead their own lives without a man to slow them down. I was OK with not leading and being that sensitive man that feminists talked about. I wasn’t going to push my wife around by taking things in hand and leading.  I would be sensitive.  Only I wasn’t really even good at that.  In short, I was a wimp.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know!

Unfortunately, it wasn’t what my wife wanted and in truth it didn’t make me feel very good about myself.  I knew the truth that I was missing something.  I didn’t feel good about myself.  I wasn’t satisfied with being passive but I didn’t know any other way to be.  It took me way to long to wake up and when I did, I discovered that it sucks being a wimp.  It is so much more fulfilling and rewarding to be a hero; If to nobody else, at least to your wife.

As John Eldredge puts it in Wild at Heart: There are three desires written into the heart of a man.

A Battle to fight

An Adventure to live

A Beauty to rescue

A good marriage needs a good man!

The trouble is that most men don’t know what is written in their heart, just like I didn’t.  These days they aren’t given lessons in manhood because society discourages it.  Boys are not supposed to play with aggressive toys.  Men are made fun of.  So boys don’t have the right perspective about life and their role.  If they indulge their masculine nature they are discouraged.   But when they find it, it just feels right. There is so much more in this book like about how all fathers fail their sons and the wound that is causes. I cried when I read that because I finally understood why my father and I were never close. I had always thought it was my fault and blamed myself. Nothing is ever that simple.  I wasn’t blameless but neither was my father.  We just didn’t know.

Whatever the feminists say,  the world needs men.

Being a man in these politically correct times is very hard and yet men are what we need desperately and don’t have. Each of us men has a responsibility to ourselves, our wives and our sons to live our hearts desires.   If this post touches you in some way.  If you too have learned how to be a man, either from Wild at Heart or some other means, leave me a comment.  I’m lonely.